Deep Down Crushed

I'm so fucked up inside... I'm not going to be able to say what's going on. It's not something you can just say, not like this. It's something that needs to be said while holding one to someone, and crying so hard, you can't hear what you're saying or whether it makes sense. I haven't got anyone I can hold on to though. I've never been in love before, I didn't know what it was, if I had been. But now I am, I'm in love with a girl, and she loves me back, I hope. I feel so confused when I'm with her, I'm warm and tingly, when I'm not with her, I hurt and miss her, and everything feels wrong. I haven't told my family, or been really open about it, I'm terrified. What if my parents think there's something wrong with me? Or if my sister or my brother try to push me away... What about my other friends? They shouldn't mind, we're friends, best friends and I can't keep it from them much longer. Then there are other people...The guys at school, the other girls, I try not to be noticed too much, but they'll notice me, if I come out. I'm embarrassed and I feel so sick with myself for it. I shouldn't feel like this, I should be proud of who I am. I can't be though, I wouldn't mind if they people at school made fun of me...but if my family...if they blamed me or themselves; I'd feel awful. ...There are also, other guys, guys who really like me. Guys who love me even. But I don't love them back, I have to tell them, but me going out with this girl... it's kind of a secret. I wanted to just run from it all, and hide behind other things.
Except, when I ran from my first relationship...I can't run from anything else anymore. I can't even look at my first boyfriend, or any of his friends...he doesn't go to my school, but...I couldn't even say "no" to him. Even though it hurts, it hurts like hell, and it still hurts, I'm never going to run from something like that again. I can't because it crushed me, I lost all my control and I was totally helpless. I won't run from this. Maybe I won't tell anyone about it yet... but when I'm really ready, I will.